NOBODY FUCKS YOU UP LIKE DR. TRAN.

NOBODY.

From yesterday’s exclusive story in the Lexington Herald-Leader

Several Lexington police officers face disciplinary action for comments and photos they posted on the popular Web site MySpace.com, in which the officers discussed their jobs, commented on arrests they had made and used derogatory language about gays and the mentally disabled.

Come ON! How stupid do you have to be? You’re an officer of the law and you post this crap? On THAT particularly crappy web site? That’s for teenies? Stupid cops, I hope they lose their jobs. Idiots shouldn’t handle guns. Christ, these guys shouldn’t …

so i work at mit, right? i work at the call center, where, at any given time, there’s about 3-6 undergrads working alongside me on the phones. the other day i made the HUGE mistake of mentioning,

“UGH. I’ve had REO Speedwagon stuck in my head for two days running.”

mistake because the darling little student beside me then had to ask,

“Who’s Arriyo Speedwagon?”

let’s just say that particular undergraduate’s not going to be asking anyone ANY questions for a long, long time.

but you know what? a vengeance killing doesn’t solve my real problem of the fact that i’m aging.

but …

Hey wassup, o my peeps and o my peepettes!

Just wanted to give you the 411 on my new site addition yo. See over there in the left hand column under tools where it says, SEND ME AN ODEO? Well, if you click on that link, it’ll take you to a page where you can leave a voice message for me from your computer. Say hi. Tell me a joke. Overwhelm me with sincere and high-minded praise. Excoriate me to the last pit of hell by virtue of your furious scorn alone. Leave an …

Never mind the context, I’m just happy to report a kind and smile-eyed stranger just said to me,

“I love the corners as well!”

Cuz corners are the best part, yo.

Globe luxation: we’ve all heard of it, and we all live in dread of it. What’s that? You don’t know what globe luxation is? Maybe if I name it in lay terminology you’ll understand: when your eyeball pops out of its socket and dangles against your cheek by the thin connective strands of nerve and blood vessel, that’s globe luxation, and here’s what to do if it happens.

Other than startle the bejeezus out of your friends, of course.

You might be interested in reading this “best of craigslist” entry, “Why I am getting out of the Marines”:

I won’t be some number on CNN’s death ‘o meter. I won’t contribute to this madness of telling the Wing we can do it when we are so far on our ass we can’t see the light of day. You Generals are fucking cowards. You know it’s broke, but you won’t say no will you. I did my part, and that’s all I can do.

[via]

Late last year, I began a quest for the bestest burger ever. Very quickly I found a strong candidate at the Miracle of Science in Cambridge. Most Boston/Cambridge folk will tell you otherwise, they’ll tell you Mr. Bartley’s. Well, let me tell you something: Mr. Bartley’s can take a flying leap into the Charles for all I care about their freakin’ “burgers”.

But I digress. I just wanted to make sure to draw your attention to this delicious burgerous gem.

Those Grizzlies. They won’t be minor leagues for long with a burger like …

Any of these will do. Except maybe that one with the ruler. I especially like the Microdat, the USB one, and the one with nixie tubes.

How can anyone NOT want something built with nixie tubes? They run on nixie dust! Nixies make them in their secret marshmallow mines!

I wouldn’t mind the Nixon watch either. It talks!

My apologies for taking so freakin’ long to conclude my story about Shawn Faulkingham. Yes, it’s been three months, and yes I’ve received your threats, the letter bombs, the weaponized narcotics. Thank you for all of that, of course. I’d explain more and almost certainly apologize more, but I think we’d all just feel a lot better if I just went ahead and picked up where I left off which was when Curly Anus shouted,

“Well, what kind of name is SHAWN FUCKINGHAM?”

The pause that followed felt like, oh, about three months or so…